


Caveat Emptor

by Kellygirl



Category: The Losers
Genre: AU, Gen, M/M, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-29
Updated: 2010-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-22 22:54:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellygirl/pseuds/Kellygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clay gets more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caveat Emptor

_**Fic: Caveat Emptor or How Clay stopped ordering things on the internet**_  
Pairing: Slight Clay/Jensen  
Genre: Crack light?  
Spoilers: None for the movie, very slight one for something midway in comics.  
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money involved  
A/N: Big thanks to [](http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/profile)[**katemonkey**](http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/) for her beta wrangling skills and advice.  
More A/N after the story.

  
The box arrived while they were on base. A private wheeled it in on a dolly, requested a signature, and left. Clay rubbed his hands together. “Okay! Pooch, crowbar please.”

Pooch found two crowbars, handed one to Clay and together they opened the six foot crate. Inside there was a figure standing, eyes closed. Clay pulled out all the packing material and stared. There was a piece of paper in its hand. He took it and studied it. Pooch whistled. “Is that the 6000 series? Nice.”

Clay nodded. “Yeah I ordered it to help us with tech stuff in the field.” He read the instructions. “This says to tap in a preprogrammed code on its tattoo.”

Roque came over, drinking a bottle of water. “It’s got a tat?”

Clay stepped closer and found the tattoo on its arm. “Yeah.” He tapped in the code and the thing’s eyes opened. They were blue and then it smiled.

Pooch whispered, “Awesome!”

The robot blinked and smiled even wider. “Hi! My name is Jensen! Would you like me to initialize my programming?”

Clay had no clue what that meant. “Yeah, sure.”

The eyes seemed to glow for a few minutes before returning to their more normal shade of blue. It smiled again. “I am now initialized! Can I remove myself from this crate?”

Clay stepped back and gestured. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” Behind him Roque snorted.

Jensen walked out of the crate. He was dressed in a black tee shirt, blue jeans, and black sneakers. He had blondish hair and a goatee. He also wore glasses. Clay wondered why and if he had to shave. Jensen studied them as hard as they were studying him.

“Are you Franklin Clay?”

Clay nodded.

Jensen stepped closer. “Would you like to have sex now?”

A spray of water hit the back of Clay’s neck as Roque spit out his drink and started laughing.

Pooch’s eyes widened. “Um, Colonel?”

Clay wiped the water off his neck and glared at a still laughing Roque, before turning back to look at Jensen. “No, I don’t want to have sex. Aren’t you a tech bot?”

Jensen kept smiling. It was kind of creepy. “No, you ordered the Jensen ‘Triple X’ bot 6000.”

Roque howled even louder and Pooch started to laugh though he tried to turn it into a cough. Clay was glad Cougar wasn’t around or he’d be laughing too.

“I thought I ordered the tech version. I’ll have to send you back.”

Jensen, who for some odd reason seemed more human after each passing moment said, “You can download the tech specs into my system.”

Clay sighed. “Will you still be a triple X?”

“No, I will have the full capabilities of a Jensen ‘tech’ bot.”

Clay scratched the back of his neck. “Okay, let’s do that.”

Jensen nodded and tried to look serious as if he were imitating Clay.

“Would you like a blowjob before we start?”

Roque bent over and clutched his stomach like it hurt as he started laughing again. Clay swore he saw his rough and grumpy SIC wipe tears from his eyes.

~

After assuring the robot that no he did not want a blowjob, or a back rub, or no, no, he was pretty sure he didn’t want his salad tossed, Clay finally got him, it, Jensen, hooked up to his laptop. After laughing at him some more and offering Jensen suggestions of what he could do to help Clay ’relax,’ Roque and Pooch left to go pick up Cougar from the airport.

The website immediately made the tech download available and Clay hit the ‘send’ button. That wasn’t too hard, but he knew out in the field they’d need something more so this was his solution since he and the rest of his team didn’t play well with others.

Jensen was humming quietly to himself, his eyes closed as he processed the download. Clay watched the progress bar and felt good that this decision was going to work out. Then the website flickered and disappeared. He hit some buttons and tried to bring it back up again. Jensen was slumped over like a puppet with his strings cut.

Clay whipped out his phone to raise hell and five minutes later the website was back up, though they claimed the outage came from Clay’s end as the army was running some system tests.

Jensen sat up and looked around. He smiled at Clay and removed the cord and the special insertion that fit into his ear canal. “Next time we can do wireless. Do you have any technological needs I can fulfill today?

Clay eyed him suspiciously. That sounded okay but still kind of suggestive. “Did you get a full download? It was still loading when the site went down.”

Jensen looked…could a robot look shifty? He shrugged. “I got enough. Ninety percent is well within operational parameters.”

Clay crossed his arms. Jensen looked like a teen-ager that had borrowed the car without asking. “What about the other ten percent?”

Jensen ducked his head and scratched the back of his neck. “A self diagnostic reveals that a small percentage of my original programming remains.” He looked panicked at Clay’s glare. “Don’t send me back, okay? I’ll be fine and I won’t proposition you or the other guys. I can suppress that part. If you send me back they’ll scrap me.”

The robot actually looked scared. Clay should have read the fine print more closely before ordering. He’d gone back over some initial information while Jensen had been getting his download. The 6000 series were self-actualizing learning robots. They reacted to the situations and people around them. If Jensen stayed, he’d probably pick up stuff from the entire team. The more Clay thought about it, it didn’t seem so bad.

Clay rubbed his forehead. “You can stay, just don’t offer anyone a blowjob. Ever.”

Jensen smiled a goofy smile and nodded eagerly. “Yes, supreme leader.” At Clay’s look, he laughed. “I’m just joking, Colonel.”

Clay yawned and had a thought. “Do you require sleep?”

Jensen nodded. “I do sometimes require a rest mode or deep core diagnostic. I usually go into sleep mode every 72 hours for 6 to 8 hours. I also require a daily intake of a special mixture of nutrients that helps my body maintain its structural integrity.”

Clay decided to ask what he’d been wondering. “Do you have to shave?” He gestured at the goatee.

Jensen laughed. “Not really.” He paused as if he was going to say something else.

Clay knew he’d regret it but he asked anyway. “What were you going to add?”

Jensen’s face actually blushed and for a brief moment Clay could see why the sex bot would be so popular.

Jensen ducked his head. “I was going to say I could shave it if you like, or shave you.”

Clay’s eyes widened. “Yeah, no thanks.”

Jensen shrugged. “I’m not here to judge your kinks.” Clay laughed and Jensen joined him while making a gesture as if stuffing something back into his chest. “I suppressed until you asked! I’m still programmed to follow your orders.”

Clay frowned as Jensen added, “though I do have a decision making matrix that allows me to differentiate between orders given and orders carried out.”

“What does that even mean?”

Jensen’s eyes flickered to the door opening behind him before he looked back at Clay and answered. “It means you can order me to do some pretty despicable stuff but I have the choice of arguing with you.” Clay suspected it meant more but he chose not to press at the moment.

Roque, Pooch, and Cougar all gathered around while Clay explained the mission. He gestured at Jensen. “Jensen’s going to co-ordinate our communications and get into the cameras.”

Rogue smirked. “You finished the download?”

Clay winced. “Yeah, the site went down for a little bit but he got most of it.”

The look on Roque‘s face could only be described as gleeful. “Oh?”

Clay reminded himself that he needed to schedule some ’training’ sessions with Roque so he could clobber his second in command a few times.

“He got 90% of the tech download.”

Rogue stared at Jensen, then looked back at Clay. “So, he’s still got some hooker skills?”

Pooch coughed while Cougar just looked puzzled. Jensen smiled at Roque, but Clay caught a glint of something in his eyes, teasing maybe? He’d definitely have to keep on his toes around Jensen. He already seemed pretty human.

“The Colonel expressed his desire that I no longer offer to blow him or anybody else!”

Pooch and Roque burst out laughing while Cougar only looked at Jensen, then at Clay and arched one eyebrow. Clay knew some of Cougar’s looks and that one was saying ‘you, boss, are one kinky motherfucker.’

  
The next two days were busy as they prepared for the mission. Clay watched the team integrate Jensen into the group. When Clay had first had his brilliant idea he thought he’d just turn the tech off and on when they needed it. After their initial meeting and the download, he never even considered it.

Plus, he had the sneaking suspicion that Jensen would strenuously object if he tried. For a robot designed to obey his orders he sometimes seemed to interpret them as suggestions or advice. He also talked and talked about any and everything and was a little geeky. Okay, a lot geeky. Clay now knew more about Doctor Who, Star Trek, Star Wars and something called ‘Jossverse,’ than he’d ever needed to know.

Clay thought maybe all robots were like this, though he suspected they were not. Most of the ones he’d seen were clearly robots. He’d already had two clerks call him about the missing paperwork for the newest member of his team.

“Hey, Colonel! Han Solo or Luke?” Jensen’s voice carried across the bunker.

“Han Solo.” Clay finished signing off on some papers. He hated paperwork. Maybe he could get Jensen to do it.

“I knew it! You’d totally be Han Solo. Me? I like Obi Wan. He’s smooth and pretty hot for an older guy.”

Pooch chuckled at Jensen’s remark. Clay just ignored him. Roque snorted and muttered something about ‘gay robots.’ Cougar didn’t say anything and Clay couldn’t tell if he was even awake.

Jensen kept talking. He’d learned pretty quickly to ignore Roque unless a knife was involved. “Luke was okay, but Han was cooler and didn’t go on and on about stuff.”

Roque spoke up again. “Like you do?”

Clay waited to see what Jensen would do. Roque had a way of trying to get to the heart of a person and see what they were made of by being rude, pissy, and generally a psychotic asshole. It was a good measuring tool. Pooch and Cougar had survived, so it was Jensen’s turn. He didn’t have a heart to get to but he had something and Roque was testing if that something to could stand up and deliver.

Jensen got up, arms loose and ready at his sides. “You got a problem?”

Roque stood and stepped closer until they were toe to toe. “Yeah. You talk too much, you say weird shit, and I’m not gonna get killed when you malfunction and start offering to sex everybody up!”

Jensen studied him for a few moments before tilting his head a little and smiling. “Aww, are you jealous?”

Clay laughed, while Pooch tried to hold in a loud snort. Cougar tilted his hat up and smirked.

Jensen patted Roque’s shoulder and leaned in to whisper loudly. “Weird is giving us a rundown on the history of knives that had Pooch and Cougar falling asleep in order to get away. As for the other, I am not going to malfunction and turn into a horny bot, but if I ever do, I’ll make sure I proposition you first so you can feel like a pretty princess.”

No one said anything while they waited to see what Roque would do. Clay relaxed when Roque laughed and thumped Jensen in the chest. “Let’s go to the shooting range.”

Jensen looked confused. “I downloaded instructions on how to use one hundred different projectile weapons.”

Roque grabbed his jacket and tossed another one to Jensen. “You should know how it actually feels, not just have it in that hard drive of yours.”

Cougar and Pooch followed and Clay pretended not to hear Roque asking Jensen if he could find them a rocket launcher.

  
The next day they flew out to Belize. The mission started out pretty well and Clay listened to the background noise of Cougar teaching Jensen Spanish while going over more Intel. Jensen probably already knew Spanish or could download it in five minutes but he liked to bond with his team mates. He’d dumped the jeans and sneakers and was dressed like them in boots, BDU’s, and a tac vest. Clay decided not to ask where he’d gotten the clothes.

On day four of the mission it all went to hell.

Turned out there was another group watching the same drug dealer. Only they were out to take over his operation and a lot smarter than anyone had bargained for. Bullets were exchanged and Clay ended up running through a small patch of woods.

The woods stretched out and led to a steep hill that Clay tried to navigate his way down but ended up doing more falling than anything. When he landed at the bottom, he was sure he had a concussion. There were more woods in front of him, so he stood up and staggered on, not even sure if the dealers were still after him or not. Something in him told him to keep running so he did.

The sun was in different position when he stopped and sat down. He cleared a spot and gathered wood to make a fire. The cool air around him told him it was only going to get colder. He moved closer to the fire and closed his eyes. Time seemed to slow down and after awhile he felt warmer. When someone moved closer to him, his eyes snapped open and he turned, ready to fight. Jensen was lying behind him, a blanket covering them both.

Clay relaxed. “How’d you find me?”

Jensen ran a quick hand through his hair. Clay told himself his hacker was checking for bumps. “Would you believe I am incredibly lucky?”

Clay snorted. “No.”

Jensen passed him a energy bar. “I may have slipped a tracker into an article of your clothing.”

Clay practically swallowed the energy bar in one bite and started to feel better. Jensen handed him another. He ate that one more slowly and said. “I’m going to kick your ass as soon as I’m warm again.”

Jensen scooted impossibly closer and slipped a hand around his waist. Clay ignored the voice that practically purred in his ear. “I could get you warmer.”

Clay ignored the come-on. “Where are the others?”

Jensen laughed and stayed where he was. “Pooch and Cougar are throwing off the guys that wanted to kill you and chop you up into little Colonel pieces. Roque is finding an alternate pick up site.”

The hand slipped under his shirt and rubbed his stomach. Clay tried to ignore the feelings that came from the touch. He hadn’t gotten laid in weeks. Something hard nudged against his ass. He took a deep breath. “Jensen.”

“Oh come on! No one has to know! I mean, you don’t really care when the team knows you get laid so I assume you just don’t want them to know you fucked me.”

Now he sounded like he was pouting. Clay turned around. “This is not going to happen, okay?” His tech specialist was pouting. Clay resisted the urge to tell him how cute it was. “How’d you get to me so quickly?”

Jensen shrugged. “I can run pretty fast and map out the terrain in front me for maximum navigation while tracking your trail.”

Clay took the water Jensen passed him and drank the whole bottle. “We should head out.”

Jensen moved away but was still under the blanket with him. “And go where? We could run into those guys and mess up Cougar and Pooch’s plans. Roque will contact us when he has a new pick up spot.”

That all made sense but Clay was warm and comfortable and Jensen was giving off serious ‘made to fulfill your every fantasy’ vibes and Clay had told himself from the beginning he wasn’t going to go there. Yes, it would be convenient and, he suspected, some really phenomenal sex, but that didn’t make it something he was entirely comfortable with. Jensen was a robot but he was also a member of his team and Clay’s ironclad rule was not to shit where you ate. In other words, keep your dick away from your team mates.

Jensen smirked at him. “I can practically read your mind, boss.”

Clay arched one eyebrow in silent gesture for Jensen to keep going.

“You’re arguing with the fact that you’d really like to fuck me, but I’m a member of your team so it’d screw up the team dynamics and you take care of your team before you take care of yourself.”

Jensen sighed and for a moment he looked sad. Then he smiled his playful smile and Clay knew something outrageous was about to come out of his mouth. “Plus, there’s the fact that you seem to have this ‘thing’ where you piss off your sex partners and they try and kill you. I don’t think I could live up to those lovely standards.”

Clay snorted and felt what he told himself was relief and not regret. “Shut up.”

Jensen smiled at him again and shrugged. “I call them how I see them.”

They spent the next hour talking about nothing substantial. Jensen told him his ideas for a ‘Jaws’ remake and Clay wondered again how he’d come to depend so much on something made to serve him. Then he thought about that again. Clay needed a tech, not a sex bot, so Jensen suggested the download that never finished. Then he became exactly what Clay had needed, a member of his team that could pull them out of danger with a gun or his computer.

He fell asleep while Jensen was talking about some show where people walked through a giant ring to other worlds. Were robots supposed to watch that much TV? Clay guessed it didn’t matter. Jensen did what he wanted, robot or not.

Something nudged Clay’s foot and he instantly woke up to find Roque standing over them a smirk on his face.

“Did I disturb the honeymoon? I mean, me and the guys can come back later.”

Jensen stirred and Clay shifted off his chest where he had not, repeat not, been cuddling. Jensen’s voice was groggy. “I didn’t call for maid service but leave the towels in the bathroom.”

Pooch laughed and Roque kicked Jensen’s foot. “Funny son of a bitch. You two love birds ready to go?”

Jensen sat up and ran a hand through his hair while Clay stood up and stretched. He ignored Roque’s look of relief that they were both dressed. Roque was a suspicious bastard.

Jensen stood and folded the blanket up and stuffed it into his backpack. He slung one strap over his shoulder and moved in front of Roque. Before his SIC could make a smart remark, Jensen kissed him on the mouth. Clay laughed at the look on Roque’s face. He looked torn between kissing him back and being shocked that it happened at all.

Jensen smirked. “There you go, Princess.”

Clay just shook his head when he heard Jensen telling Cougar they needed to have a movie night and watch all the Jaws movies one after another. Hopefully, whatever it was between him and Jensen was resolved. He nudged Roque and said, “Come on, the kids can watch movies. Me and you will go out and get very drunk and you can forget how the robot made a pass at you.”

Roque rolled his eyes and fell into step beside Clay.

  
Epilogue: Two months later

Clay walked into the safe house and called Jensen’s name. He heard a muffled, “WHAT?” and followed the sound. He opened the door and paused. Jensen’s fingers flew over his keyboard.

“Hey, Colonel, I almost got this bastard’s bank accounts. He’s got them everywhere but for some reason he accesses them every day. It’s like he’s Scrooge McDuck and wants to count it daily or something.”

Clay nodded and cleared his throat. Jensen looked up and frowned. “Did you need something else.”

“Where are your clothes?”

Jensen looked down at his chest, bare except for the chain holding his dog tags. “I have on boxers! And boots.” He patted his hat. “And a hat. These are clothes.”

Clay rolled his eyes. “A shirt, Jensen, and a pair of pants would be nice.”

Jensen looked back at the screen. “It’s not like I even realized I was half dressed. It just happened.”

Clay cleared his throat. Jensen made a little wave at him. “Okay, okay. Sheesh, you act like a little skin is going to make you go crazed. I know for a fact you’re seeing that munitions expert and really Colonel, you’re going to date someone that can build bombs?”

Clay closed the door and went to get a drink. His entire team was crazy and he planned on blaming the crazy robot on them.

End

A/N: So this was supposed to be a Cougar/Jensen story but Clay kinda butted in and never left. I still don't know how this even happened but I blame my stress about the mini bang manifesting into this. Now I want the buffy bot and the Jensen tech bot 6000 to meet and have really smart, obnoxiously hot babies. 


End file.
